Doing it afraid…
Uncertainty.
This is what I am experiencing as I am writing this. The very thought of writing down my thoughts and sharing them with the world…or Georgia…or Atlanta…or whoever this reaches…is unbelievably overwhelming. I am undoubtedly an introvert and for the most part, keep my thoughts to myself.
When God nudged about a year ago to start blogging, I brushed it off SO fast.
“Sir, excuse me?” Why would He even think this a good idea? “I am not a writer.” “I am not creative.” “I barely even journal.” “I don’t have anything to say.” “Who would read it?”
Essentially, I was telling God to “go ‘head on.”
Isn’t it funny how we come up with EVERY excuse in the book when God instructs us to do something? Because we do know best, right? Oh ok lol… Even in the midst of all of these thoughts, I was reminded that I am made in His image. If God is THE creator, and I am a reflection of Him, then I, too, am a creator, right?
Let’s fast forward to about a month ago. I felt that nudge again. THIS time, He wouldn’t let up. He provided confirmation after confirmation. STILL, I was questioning my capability. “Nobody is going to care. People are too busy trying to make sure they don’t get infected with Covid-19!!”
STILL, He kept nudging.
I am so thankful for His patience; because honestly, I’ve been a spoiled little brat. Though His nudges were slowly but surely turning into mushes to the forehead, He remained faithful and kept providing confirmation after confirmation. Revelation after revelation. I think the revelation that served as my “AHA!!” moment was when I was going back and forth with Him (once again smh) about why He won’t leave me alone about starting this daggon blog.
“Your healing is in your transparency.” (Insert “mind blown” emoji here)
“I’m not just asking you to write for others to read. This is for you, too.” Am I the only one who continues to ask questions, not because I don’t know the answer, but because I just want to stall?
“But God, I thought I was supposed to be serving others. How is this serving others?”
“You’re obeying me.”
Starting in childhood, I remember times where I was plain out scared to speak up. Even as an adult, I consider myself to be timid, a person who will keep quiet to avoid being wrong, looking stupid, or being shot down. Have you ever been in class and the teacher asks a question that you are 99% sure you have the answer to? BUT that doubt creeps in. Another student answers and it’s the exact (CORRECT) answer you had? Yep, that’s me.
What I’ve realized is that it’s so much deeper than just “not wanting to speak up.” I, somewhere down the line, developed an inherent, false belief that what I say does not matter and that I am not valuable enough for God to use.
The devil is a liar. A big, fat one.
God needs my voice. He’s made that abundantly clear. I am not sure what He needs it for yet, but He has clearly told me that starting this blog is part of my preparation. You know how people say most of the time your calling has something to do with what you’ve struggled with? I, by history, have been scared to use my voice. Now God is clearly instructing me to share my thoughts with…everybody. It’s all making sense now.
So as I continue to heal through this assignment, I’ll also be serving others by remaining transparent about my journey through self-discovery in Christ and dealing out HOPE that they, too, can be released from the fear of stepping into what God has called them to do….and who God has called them to be.
Sometimes we are so busy with questioning, that we miss the opportunities for obedience. I’ve been there. Heck, sometimes I’m STILL there. During a webinar I attended last week, I was reminded that “God rejoices the ‘start.”’ He is literally telling me that, by simply starting, I will be unlocking the “next.” Whatever that is.
My prayer is that somebody, somewhere, will see this post and see what “doing it afraid” can look and sound like; while also being reminded that, even out in those uncharted waters they’re navigating…God is right there.
